High morals, High Discipline

Being a single modern black lady continues but I'd like to share a bit about suppressed and forbidden feelings. The hard part of single life that no one prepares you for. My morals are sky high and i do not compromise when it comes to that, hard as it may be. Being hit on by married men is uncomfortable and disheartening until there is just that one that you click with on all levels. Emotionally socially, physically and mentally. Married men hot on me a lot more than single guys do(a sad stateof affairs) but I always stand my moral high ground. My motto is: if I were married, would I like it if my husband did that behind my back and everything stops ✋. I tell myself, one day I will be married and I want good karma only and so i sow a seed of goodness i.e. resist advances from married men at all cost. Now as much as i am this highly morale lady, this one guy i mentioned earlier almost made me lose my cool. The communication was on point, meaning we got each other. There was no need of explaining texts because both of us would get it. The humouor, the banter, the wit all flowed. Our conversations always left me with a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling. We didnt live far from each other but we seldom ever saw each other physically. For me this was deliberate because the guy has a family which i wouldn't want to bump into in awkwardness and honestly our interaction was only just chats (texts). We would joke around about meeting up for a drink or whatever but it never actually materialized but our texts continued. A day wouldn't go by without our texts which would go on until we both send goodnight texts. The texts were not overwhelming but rather a pleasant daily dose of smiles. Man, I could feel myself falling but I knew there was nothing of material that would come of it. At some point i honestly thought i was in love or we were both in love via texts, odd right ? or rather silly either way it felt good. I grew fond of the guy, he adores his family. Never uttered a bad word about them, a great dad, a hardworking and loving husband who still maintained date nights with the Mrs. Those date nights are precisely what made me realise that I may have developed a tad too much feelings for an unavailable guy than what I was supposed to. Was i even supposed to develop any feelings to even begin with ? Rough!. Anyway, I knew the constant communication had to stop at some point. Mr, lets call him Mr O, confessed his feelings at some point but that was not enough because it was a mere declaration rather than a plan. I didestablish though that we were equally attracted to each other in an insane way. It was weird, I fell in love with an ideal husband that had no intention of taking a second wife nor leave his beautiful family. That experience right there taught me a valuable lesson: a man can have feelings or love more than one person at once not because there is something amiss in another relationship. The feelings he has for you are just directed to you without taking away from the other party's feelings. This however does not necessasitate a need for relationship. You can acknowledge his feelings for you and allow him to love you from a distance. Not all feelings need to be acted upon especially when there are kids involved. Mr O and I had a heated moment where we made out but nothing further happened as we both stopped ourselves. It was from that day on that we cut down on the texting because we realised what could potentially happen was wrong at all levels. I love him, he's a great guy, well mannered gentleman, ambitious, witty and altogether love. The kiss and hug we shared will forever remain special to me. Life is about choices and I could have chosen to pursue the feelings and take things further with Mr O, but at what cost? Love is love when you are able to letprople you love go, and that is what I chose to do and i continue with life carrying a clear conscience because i chose morals over feelings. Love will come for me and it will be for and not us to share. My journey to finding true love continues, it is out there. Goodnight 😊

Somebody to Love

it's the eve of 2021 winter season and guesa what Miss? Miss Noks is as single as single can be. Bleh. Life is genuinely good, I'm in great shape (well according to my standards), work is progressing well although could be better. The family is well, thankfully to God. My nieces and nephews are growing, I am indeed truly blessed. I often feel petty when I start going off about my single status but I console myself with the knowledge that majority of people in relationships have compromised A LOT of their general standards! (i am not a hater,). Anyway, moments of loneliness and longing for true love hit me from time to time but I'm not desperate enough to sell myself short. Men are there, oh there's plenty of them. In May aone I've been to 3 dates, yeah. One guy we clicked so much that we went on a second date the very same weekend as the first one, cute right? We even held hands, it was the sweetest. Don't ask me what's happened because the communication is there but not entirely satisfactory. i feel like im being kept in a corner close enough for reach but far enough to not be a bother. So my hands are tied, i thought i was finally getting myself a boyfriend!! My theme has been: Get lost in the sauce Noks. Well the sauce ain't coming and I'm getting a little worn down. I do worry at times about not having the best sex of my life in my 30s, i have 2 years left of it and i have to make the best of it but somehow the universe refuses! well, it's Monday evening I am on my phone with a red candle burning by my bedside (nothing symbolic, there is no electricity in my neighborhood we are going through what they call Loadshedding) the power should be back soon. So during the time in this semi-darkness i have watched this beautifully written series Fleabag on Prime Video and listened to a soapy love song by the Bala Brothers- Somebody to Love (hence the title of this post). I think i will be casting the message out there for people to help me find somebody to love. I have so much love in my heart but it cannot be just anybody. I love myself